If you are any sort of normal person who participates in society at all, I am sure you have seen the advertisements for Match.com. The ads show disgustingly happy and attractive people who are madly in love, indulging in their newly-found fairy-tale love affair. The voice over repeatedly tells us that people on Match.com are three-times more likely to find a relationship. Here is my question. What kind of relationship are we talking? I only ask this because since joining Match, I have found myself about three-times more likely to be stalked and murdered in an alley by someone who looks like Mick Jagger's even less attractive older brother. Technically, I think that is still considered a relationship.
My next question is this. Why is everyone I match with in their forties? I spent about an hour filling out a detailed questionnaire about my ideal match. If I am remembering correctly, nowhere did I write that I am most interested in 45-year-old perverts who spend their lives sitting at home in their parents' basement scratching their balls. Obviously there has been some kind of confusion, could someone please get on that?
I apologize in advance for the offensiveness of the next paragraph.
The large majority of people who have messaged me impressively managed to visually assault my eye balls with just the tiny picture of themselves which shows up next to their message. On several occasions, my initial reaction has been to slam my laptop shut, run over it with a dump truck, and throw it into an erupting volcano. This is purely a cautionary procedure in order to prevent my eye balls from shriveling up and falling out of my skull. I've been through quite a few laptops over the past couple months. My point is, the people who you see in the commercials are not the people you will find on the site. Has anyone ever considered the fact that there is a reason these people need to go online to find love? Yes, that statement does make me very worried about myself, but that's beside the point. If I were trying to be politically correct, I would tell you that it is important to go on dates with the ugliest of the Match.com users and look for the beauty within them, but I would be lying. For those of you who are disgusted by the rudeness of this paragraph, and are planning to slam me in the comments for being a horrible person, I completely understand.
My final concern is not a criticism of the website itself, but of the stupidity of some of its users. I will keep this one short and sweet. I have gotten messages from three people that I already know. Just a word of advice, if I am not into you in real life, chances are I most likely won't be interested on Match.com either. In fact, you have actually made me even less interested now that you confirmed my previous suspicions that you are an idiot.
All in all, I would give my Match.com experience a solid negative three.
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